Tonight, after my babies fell asleep. I snuck into their room and stared at their sleeping faces. (Creepy… I know).
I desperately stared at my son’s soft, pudgy, hands, with his dimpled knuckles. I stared at them, trying to commit them to memory forever.
My baby no longer looks like a baby. I brushed her angelic curls out of her face and adored her squishy cheeks.
My oldest is getting so big I can barely carry him to bed anymore. This thought crushes me.
I kissed their heads and went off to get ready for bed.
When I looked in the mirror… I was horrified. There in the mirror, staring back at me, was an old, tired, wrinkly eyed hag, who desperately needed her hair done.
Spoiler alert: It wasn’t a ghost. It was me!
I was thinking really nasty thoughts about myself. Really beating myself up, lifting my butt back to where it should be, pulling on my eye lids, wondering what I would look like with a little Botox. I smiled to really make my eye wrinkles show…
Then I saw it…
I saw a loving, selfless, wrinkly eyed mom that my kids love more than anything.
And then I cried.
My kids need more of that selfless mom. Not the mom who is obsessed with a clean house, or work.
I bet they miss their happy mom who is soft and a little worn in.
The “Velveteen Rabbit” is a story I read when I was a kid. It is about a young boy who loves his stuffed, velvet, toy rabbit so much that it becomes real. As I read it as an adult, I can’t help but feel that it was written just for me.
Here is a quote from the book to help you understand.
“He said
You become.
It takes a long time.
That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily,
or have sharp edges,
or who have to be carefully kept.
Generally by the time you become Real your hair has been loved off,
and your eyes drop out,
and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.
BUT THESE THINGS DON’T MATTER AT ALL.
Because once you are Real,
you can never be ugly.
Except to those who don’t understand.”
OMG! I am the Velveteen Rabbit!!!
I wish I could see myself the way my kids see me. I wish when I looked in the mirror I saw a warm hug, or someone to snuggle. I wish instead of wrinkles I saw a safe place, or the only person in the world that could make me feel better. That’s what mommies are. I am a mommy. I want to love myself as much as my kids do. Unconditionally. Wrinkles and all! I am not saying I will never get Botox, because heaven knows I want it!
But just for now, I am going to need this soft stretched out skin and these eye wrinkles a little longer.
XOXO Lou
After my son’s recent wedding, I was looking at phone pics that had been taken. All I saw was a jowly face. What my family saw was me laughing, dancing, and smiling. It’s all in the perspective.
When I read this article, I can feel you had a peaceful time when you look at your kid’s face in their room. Not related but one of your kids, his face look like same as you when he and you smile! That is great! I believe that you are and will becoming a wonderful mom.
Hey! I came across this post as I was perusing your blog and I couldn’t agree more! Loving our ‘Mom bods’ IN SPITE of the insecurities that may have been created because of what being pregnant has done is paramount in our lives on so many levels! I wrote a similar post if you are interested in taking a quick gander! You can check it out here http://adjustingsails.net/appreciating-the-mom-bod/.